Err..

weighed myself today again, lost a little over the last few days, only what i'd plonked on but still.
114. But i think it was probably not so much of a 3lb loss.
The 117 was at night and this was in the morning, and your weight fluctuates anyway i guess.
I've been sticking to 900 a day.
Theres no point going straight down to 500, ill just fail.
If i do it gradually i should have more of a chance of actually making progress.
I was dead proud the other day at work too...
A colleague offered hot chocolates and cakes from greggs for everyone (we're only a small shop)
And i very proudly denied!
I also went out and bought some of the low fat stuff we used to keep at my mums so that i could keep my diet similar to what it was when i was living there as i was doing fairly well before i moved out.
Hopefully i'll be able to squeeze my arse into the sz6 dress i bought to go out in next weekend, but we'll see. If not its just a waste of money, and i dont like too waste money, so i best be good! (:

I've gotten so fat!

I know, its my own fault, i should step away from the bisuit barrell, hop on my laptop and blog every once in a fucking while.
I cant believe ive let things get this bad. All around people are saying 'your looking much healthier these days'
These people are idiots, they're depiction of healthy is propbably some stupid fat cow like mariah carey or something ridiculous.
On the subject has anyone seen the fairly recent pictures of her in the one piece.
It aint pretty.

I dont recommend it for those with a weak stomach.
Great singer, horrible body.
Bit like mine at the minute. I have to get things sorted. For the last what 2-3weeks, ive been eating way over and not exercising.
And when i say eating over, i dont mean over my 500 restriction, fucking hell thats out the window and ten miles down the road.
I mean over GDA's That's 2000 smackers a day.
I've probably ate like 4000 minimum.
It's all the good food at my dads, i cant resist it, i just need to learn that if you eat it, it WILL make you gain weight, after all, if youre good for a few days you expect to lose.
I feel like its been a while since ive posted stats, so yeah weighed myself today. Great!
117!
Stunning? i know ;)
Gained like...almost a stone since i've been living at my dads.
I wish my mum wasnt such an arse, then i could go back with her and be all nice and thin again.
But she is a fuck and i will probably never see/speak/ have anything to do with her again.
I really am gonna try, i've devised a plan :D
Breakfast:

Low fat cheese on toast

OR

SMALL bowl of cereal

OR

Piece of fruit

OR

Porridge

Lunch:

Same options as above

OR

Salad
OR
SMALL cheese sandwich

Dinner:
Anything from Breakfast/Lunch options

OR

Vegetable stew

I really hope i can stick to it, people always say that food changes your mood. Its true, the mor you eat, the more you lose control and the shitter you feel.

Weekend ends here.

-

God i have so much to blog about!

So most people look forward to the weekend, i dread it, it means complete loss of structure, routine, and with that i have a tendenct to wave goodbye to my control, as it sails away in a paper ship.

On a brighter note this weekend wasnt too bad, i did go over 500, which is what i've been restricting too, but no days were above 800. And that was only because in the UK we had bonfire night on Thursday, so there were a good few parties over the weekend.

That was all kind of ruined, when i had a massive argument with my mum, and she pretty much threw me out. God i love my ever-so conventional, and functional family. So now im living about 4 miles away from before with my dad. Which is great, i prefer him to my mum anyway, harsh as they may sound. But on the anamia front, my dad buys shit loads of food cause he has rate good metabolism, so can just eat what the fuck he wants. I obviously have my mums dealings were metabolism is concerned, cheers for that.

So yeah, now im crashing here, its pretty wierd, like, i hardly saw my dad before, and now im living here. I dont know how long it will be for, but it kind of feels like a fresh start. A new day if you like.

Were things will be better, i will be thinner and more beautiful, and i WILL stop messing around with drugs. (Weed excluded.)

Toffee Fucking apples, who thought up that beautiful mess. To take a perfectly good healthy low cal fruit, and cover it in sugar. Over the whole bonfire endeavour, io've only had 1 toffee apple, and that was on a day where i hadnt had much else, so i suppose it wasnt too bad really i'm just fretting.
I hope i havent gained.

I havent weighed myself this weekend cause of moving and stressing, and crying and breaking down, and partying, drowning my sorrows in a pile of misconstrued drugs, sleeping, but not quite sleeping, more just a fidgety restless mess in the middle of my bed. with pins and needles in my arms and legs so i think im having a heart attack and worry that i might die and go into cold sweats until its time to get up and go to work looking google eyed and judder-jawed.

I have to stop this shit.

Shit.

Shit fuck bollocks binge.

Insomnia!

Okay so i didnt get to sleep untill 5 this morning.

Had to be up at half 7 for work.

I dont know what fucking did it, cause i was proper tired.
I guess Nirvana's Pennyroyal Tea is bloody right.

I was in bed from half 8 till half 11.

Couldn't sleep.

Got up, exercised, went back to bed.

Couldnt sleep.

Exercised some more, went back to bed.

Couldnt sleep.

Too tired to exercise, read some blogs, browsed some brazilian modelling site.

Went back to bed, had a restless 2 hours.

Got up went too work.

These nights kill me, and make me such a horrible person at work, and i hate being a bitch, i try so hard to be a nice person, but sometimes its so difficult!

Overall a good day though, thinking im gonna weigh myself tomorrow, see if theres any kind of reflection of my work, although its unlikely. Last week i had results, so this week i doubt i will.

Does anyone else get that?

I think i might try the apple a day diet next week if i havent made a loss this week.

I'm in two minds about it, i might get dead hungry and then break and binge.

Or it might go well. I'm not sure. If anyone's tried it, let me know how it went?

I guess we'll have to see what the figures read tomorrow :)_
Love you all.
xxx

Collarbones.

When your collarbones get to a point where they protrude, you know youre doing well.
I love those two little ball shapes (And no, i dont know what they're called because im not particularly intelligent ;/ )

It's an instant fix to a bad day. Just look at them and its like, oh yeah.
I'm actually doing alright.

Recently, ive been feeling pretty great! This decorating business seems to have really worked.

If anyone's going through some hard times, id recommend it.
It's sounds really stupid, and its kinda like...As if decorating my room is gonna solve all my problems.

It makes you feel surprisingly good!

-

There's just one thing that sucked about day. (Sorry to put a damper on the 'good mood post')
When i see people eating in the college cantine, it makesme envious.
They're cramming there faces with carbs,fat, and chocolate. And they dont seem to care.
They're just chatting and laughing, and im sat feeling guilty for having low cal dressing with my salad.

Still i suppose you cant change who and what you are.
And at least my way i will be thin and beautiful.
Gotta keep your chin up in this game!

Hope everyones well
Love to all!
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Porridge.

I have anew found love for porridge.
My mum has this cool apple and raspberry thing, and you can make it with water instead of milk.
I think its like 100kcal's a portion. It makes for a great breakfast, and its really warms you up too!
I lovee it.
Today was pretty, good went to see my chocaholic friend, which usually means a downfall, but i actually conquered it!
She always has such good food at her house, that i pretty much always binge.
But i actually looked at what she was eating and thought.
Thats fucking disgusting. Why do i want to put THAT in my mouth.
And i thought, i dont.

-

I dont want to put that in my mouth, then in my stomach, then back up into the toilet.
Its pointless. Just dont fucking eat it in the first place.

It just became so clear, dont eat crap and you will be thin!
Tomorrow brings good fortune, college all day, so no time to binge.

No binge=no purge= healthy teeth= supermodel me. :D
Okay maybe my maths isn't accurate but hey, what the hell
xxxxxx